He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you had me at cake vodka
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
