Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
