im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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