I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
