You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
