hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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