so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
