Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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