nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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