the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize