how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
