So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Randomize
