You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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