This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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