recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
