Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize