I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
