Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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