between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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