I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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