Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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