Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
