i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
