Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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