What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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