His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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