i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
