In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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