i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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