Soap is not a condiment
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
