so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
