Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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