It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
