12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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