OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
