I faked an abortion last night.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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