remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
