Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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