Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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