Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
