as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
