I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
