Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize