once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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