Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
