What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
