You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
