"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
