thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
