Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
