i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize