come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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