so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
