Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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