I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
