Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
