youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
