Your tits are I can't wait for
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
