We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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