I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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