so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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