my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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