It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
