just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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