Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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