I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
